In the beginning there was the word… wait. Wrong bit. This is a fairy tale, not a gospel. It was a dark and stormy night… No, that’s not it either. Give me a moment, I know this. Oh, yes: once upon a time. That’s it! Very good. Once upon a time there was a great hamster. No, not a hamster; something scaly… What is it? A newt? No… Err… Dragon! That’s it! Dragon! Great big fire-breathing lizard! Dragon. Right. So, once upon a time there was a dragon. A dragon who ruled the land with an iron fist. Tail! Iron tail. Many brave peasants had tried, in vain, to defeat the dragon. No. No, they didn’t. Peasants don’t fight dragons. Matadors fight dragons. I think. Or maybe they fight bulls. Or newts. No matter, they don’t fight dragons. Squires… They help people who fight dragons. The fighting itself is done by… by… knights! That’s it! Knights had tried to fight to dragon in vain. They died though. After all, if the beat the dragon, there wouldn’t be much of a story, right?

Anyway, then came along Elvis. Elvis was not a knight. Rather, Elvis was a squire whose knight, Sir Uther Pennewt, had been vanquished by the dragon. After that, Elvis swore an oath to become a knight and slay the dragon, to avenge Uther’s death. He spent many years training – learning to swordfight, joust, spar, battle, do combat, and, of course, sing the knight’s official song:

We’re knights, knights!
We wear armor over tights!
We fight out battles all day long.
And chase fair damsels nights!

(Get it? Nights/Knights?)
(It’s a pun.)

Finally, after twelve… five long years of training, Elvis was ready. Out he rode, in search of the dragon. He found him pretty quickly, though he made one wrong turn on the way (took North Brookridge instead of South Brookridge, simple mistake, really, as ye olde maps to the dragon lair tend to be of low quality). Into the dragon’s casino… No… Circus… Cat… Camel… Crème Brule… Cave! That’s right! Elvis marched into the dragon’s cave, sword drawn, ready to fight.

Sadly for Elvis, the dragon did all the fighting. Two bites. He could have done it in one, but it wasn’t worth it.

Well, you didn’t expect a knight named Elvis to defeat the dragon, did you?

Besides, the story isn’t over yet. In fact, it hasn’t even started. This was all back story. Our story truly begins with Rupert.

Rupert the Bear. No. Sorry. Rupert the Red-Nosed Reindeer. No, no… Sorry, sorry. Rupert the Knight. Sir Rupert.

Sir Rupert was a good night, and a brave knight, and a true knight. He could spar, joust, do battle, fight, combat, sing the song, save fair damsels, and also make a ruddy good toasted Ruben sandwich. Hence, when the time came to send another young knight with a possibly bright future to certain doom, Rupert was an ideal choice.

Despite this, he wasn’t sent, as the king’s son, Sir Dennis (I know, I know) insisted upon going himself, and the king’s son got everything he wanted.

Except victory. So when the next year rolled around, Rupert was chosen to fight the dragon.