With ar list a cusins that we wanted ta visit in hand, Cusin Jake and Ah left Cusin Tom’s house for ar first destination, which was ta go an visit ar Cusin Joshua. Now Cusin Joshua wusn’t kwite tha karacter that Tom wus, he wus one of the only members a tha family ta actually finish high school, he also had a younger brother named Benjamin but we wasn’t kwite shure if we wood see him or not. Cusin Joshua lived in Boonesborough, Kentucky, so Jake an Ah had kwite a jurney ahed a us on account a us bien on tha opposite side a tha state. Really tha only thing that we worried about wus ar old truck because she was always actin up and such on account a tha krank shaft wus missin and wus replace by an ole piece a hickory, and instead a motor oil we had ta use bacon grease. This had wurried us cause the cold weather was startin ta set in and we wanted ta get ta Joshua’s place before the snow started ta fly.
Now tha funny thing about Kentuky is that there are a lot a hills. Ya’ll wouldn’t belive the kondishun a them roads that run throo them hills. I mean, a four lane highway can go ta two lanes, an then as soon as ya turn round a bend in the road, it can go ta a gravel road. Of corse if ya think that’s bad, you ain’t seen nuthin, cause those gravel roads can go ta dirt lanes afore ya can say possum, and just when ya think them roads can’t pos’bly git any worse, those dirt lanes almost always turn ta cattle-paths. That’s not even tha worst part of it eether, cuz almost always those cattle-paths turn to nuthin but woodland an forest. Right from tha beginning a the trip we had desided ta take tha shortest root possible, and as we soon had figgered out, the shortest root is not always tha fastest. Oh shure, at first it was all smooth sailin along them hiways, but soon they became smaller an smaller until finally they became gravel, after that, they became dirt, an eventually there was no road left at all.
Ah always look back on this predicament that we got arselves into an wunder why the hell Ah was so stupid as ta go that way. It is my strong suspicion tho, that it was Cusin Jakes idea ta go this way. Anyway, drivin throo the forest is hard enuff, but drivin throo a forest with a truck that hardly works on tha regular road is nearly impossible. For about a three mile strech we had ta navigate throo tha forest and over hills (the three miles didn’t include uphill miles). After about two days of slow drivin an frekwent backtrackin’ we finally made it back onto tha road. The front end a tha truck was a little worse for wear with kwite a few dents an such in it. Ah swear those trees were movin.
Of course, as is ar luck, as soon as we had gotten back on ta tha highways the truck broke down an stopped runnin. We had desided to try to coast as far as we cood whith what speed whe had built up. Now, the speed that we was going wasn’t all that fast, and it reely didn’t help tht there was a reely steep upward grade ta tha road ahed a us. We went up the hill about two tenths of a mile, Cusin Jake was optomistik about getting up the hill before we started rollin backwards of course. But once we had commenced a rollin down that hill, he began a cussin an a hollerin an a stompin on tha brakes like a madman. Now, up until this point, the brakes had worked just fine an dandy, but right then, we had discovered that the brakes had aparently fallen out a few miles back. It was a good thing that we had got snagged on that big ole stump ‘cause a few more yards an we wood have gone off the side of a mountain an inta a ravine filled with sharp, pointy rocks.
Ta most people, this wood have seemed like a komplete disaster, but as you prolly know, this sort a thing was almost an everyday ocurance. And as such, we were well prepared for this unexpected detoor. Now, we had figgered that we would be there for a little wile so, as night was comin on, we desided ta pitch the tent which kunsisted of a kuple a poles and a large tarpaulin. This tarpaulin was pretty heavy though being that it was made a thick burlap, so, Ah needed all tha help that Ah cood get ta lft it so, Ah shouted o’er ta Jake who was startin a fire an sed,
“Hey Jake cood ya come o’er here an help me get this tarpaulin out a the back end a the truck?”
Now Jake had misheard me on account a him being a fair distance from the truck an he shouted back ta me in a very confused manner an asked,
“I didn’t even know that we had a trampoline, an how did ya even manage ta get it stuck up your rear end?”
“Just git over here you idjit!”, Ah replied.
Jake came over to tha truck an we commenced ta pickin up tha tarp, but insted a being really heavy, it was so heavy that it felt like liftin a dead deer in a carpet. (Ah know how heavy a dead deer in a carpet is because one day when Ah was younger, my pappy was huntin deer, an there was a deer that he had been chasin for weeks but coodn’t get a good shot at. One day when he came back from tha woods without anything an it was sorely tryin his pashence, but heavens ta betsy, who wood have thot that when he got back home that the deer wood be standin in the middle a the daggone livin room. Long story short though, we had ta replace tha carpet an take tha deer ta tha butchers, so on tha way ta tha carpet store we stopped at the butchers and then threw the rug off at tha dump. But let’s not get too sidetracked, back ta tha story).
We had finally got the tarp out a tha truck but no sooner than we set it down than tha big lump in tha middle a tha tarp had started ta move. Now we were prepared for this on account a this happening ta us kwite a few times before, so we ran back o’er ta tha truck where we keep our emergency proddin sticks for just such instances. With ar proddin sticks in hand, we went back o’er toward the tarp real cautious like an began a speculatin on what kind a critter had gotten inta tha tarp.
“Ya think that it’s a coon?” Ah said all kwiet like.
“If it is, it would one big ass coon, maybe it’s a cougar.”
“Naw, couldn’t be, if it was, it would have ripped us ta bits by now.” Ah replied. And we kept creeping forward until we was real close like ta tha tarp an was ready ta commence a proddin when Jake suddenly stopped and said,
“What if it’s one a them Tasmanian Devils, if we go ta proddin it an get it mad it could start a spinnin like a whirlwind an blow us away. Ah ain’t goin one step closer.”
“You know that them things ain’t real.”
“Oh yes they is! Ah saw a television special about em one day. They jus go round an spin like a tornader an drink orange juice, they’s awful savage critters!”
“Wal, now that may be, but we ain’t in Tasmania. We’s in Kentucky.” Ah sed ta Cusin Jake, who was still a little bit wary bout tha hole thing.
“Where is Tasmania?” asked Cusin Jake.
“Wal Ah don’t rightly know, but tha way Ah figger it, it must be somewheres in Canada. Now, lets forget bout this hole thing an get whatever kind a critter it is out a tha tarp.”
With that all cleared up, well, not reely, anyway we went on toward tha tarp an just commenced ta poke it with ar proddin sticks when we herd a voice say,
“Wut tha hell’s goin on? An wood yoo kwit proddin me with those darn sticks!”
Now we was struck dum with shock wen we saw Rebel Eugene crawl out a that tarp. (Apparently she had stowed aboard tha truck when we was sayin ar goodbyes at Tom’s house which accounted for why she wasn’t there when we left.).
“Rebel Eugene, what in tha name a Auntie Anne’s brownies ar ya doin here? Ah thot we said that you coodn’t come with us.”
“Yeah, Ah remembur ya sayin that, that’s why Ah stowed abord cuz Ah new that yoo woodn’t let me go with ya willinly. Oh well, already too far ta go back, Ah gess Ah’ll just have ta go with ya warever ya go.” ansered Rebel Eugene. Now she was right about us bien too far already ta turn back cause Ah wasn’t gonna go back throo them woods. So, with that in mind we all desided that we wood let Rebel Eugene come with us, but we wood drop her right back off at her house as soon as the chance arose. Now, as for tha matter a tha truck, we found out that Rebel Eugine was a pretty handy mechanic, so with a little elbow grease an a lot a cussin (Mainly from Rebel Eugene) we had tha truck runnin and were on ar way again.
About five minets inta tha trip, Ah began feelin reely stoopid on account a us freakin out about bien broken down with Boonesborough bien only five minets away. Aside from feelin stoopid, Ah felt kwite relived about being in town before tha snow commenced a fallin. Now Boonesborough is one a tha biggest cities Ah have ever seen, as we was drivin down tha main street, we passed two gas stations, three diners, an ten saloons. At tha end a tha main street, there was two general stores settin across from each other an Joshua owned both a them. Just as we came up betwixt tha two stores Rebel Eugene asked,
“Which one a these General Stores does Cusin Joshua own?”
“Well,” Ah replied, “Cusin Joshua owns both of em ya see. He’s what ya call an on-tray-pray-noor”
“What’s an on-tray-pray-noor?” asked Rebel Eugene.
“Isn’t it tha stuff that farmers use for for fertilizing their fields?” asked Jake. Ah wood have ansered him but Ah wasn’t kwite sure what tha word meant either so Ah just left it at that.
Now, outta nowhere there came a huge blast a freezing cold air so we all ran into tha General Store quickly ta escape tha cold. When we got in there there wasn’t anyone a workin at tha counter so we desided ta look around tha store. They had everything there, earmuffs that were shaped like fish, different types of candy by the barrel full, and they even had those little hard to find air fresheners that look like famous celebrities. We was all lookin around and amazed at the variety of products in the store when suddenly, up popped from a trap door in the floor a tall spindly man with a very distinguished look who said,
“Now gosh dangit, Ah say, Ah say, I really need ta fix that alarm on tha door so ah quit a poppin up while coustomers are here.”
As he was getting up Ah and Jake recognized him as ar Cusin Joshua and exclaimed,
“Joshua, you old son of a gun! How in tha sam hell ar ya doin?”
Of course, being puzzled as to why he was poppin up from the from floor Cusin Jake asked him what he was poppin up from under tha floor for.
“What are ya doin poppin up from under tha floor like that?”
“Well my land an sakes alive, Ah do declare, Cusins Jake and Mike! Ah aint seen you for nigh on half a decade! How did you,” He paused for a moment as his eyes caught Rebel Eugine and he continued, “Who’s that little girl that’s with ya?”
“You remember Cusin Tommy don’t ya? Well that’s his little sister, Rebel Eugine.”
“Well now Ah say, Ah say, a might handsome lookin girl for bien Tommy’s sister, but what’s she doin travlin around with you two rouges, she doesn’t look a day over a decade.” said Joshua as we all chuckled under ar breaths. All except Rebel Eugine who wasn’t too pleased with tha statement, so she retorted,
“Damn, Ah aint that old, Ah’m thirteen, an besides what tha hell is you doin down under tha floor?”
“Now dangit,” replied Jake “What did we tell you about cussin? You’ve got a mouth that’d make a sailor blush. ‘Sides ‘tain’t polite for a young lady ta cuss. Anyway yoo still didn’t anser mah kwestion, what in the sam hill ar ya doin under tha floor?”
Upon hearin this, Joshua kwickly skwirreled his way outta tha trap door, shut it fast and said,
“What trap door? Ah sah Ah say! It’s a black day when a man’s own kinfolk accuse him a wrongdoin’!”
“Now hold up just one minet,” Ah exclaimed, “nobody accused you a anythin’! An besides, we awl saw you pop outta that thing when we got in here.”
“Well, Ah sah, yoo may have thot yoo saw it, but it musta been a figment a ur imaginations!”
“Well, we awl saw ya, how can we awl imagine tha same thing at tha same time? An besides, what’s a figment? Isn’t that some kind a pastry bar with froot in it?” asked Jake who was kwite puzzled. To which Ah replied,
“Not now! An if there really was no trap door, then then what’s that handle in tha middle of tha floor for?”
“That, oh that, Ah had that installed we we had an urthkwake come throo here a few years back, that’s there so that if’n there ever be anuthur urthkwake Ah can jus grab a hold a that an Ah won’t fly off anywhere.”
“Well then,” as replied, “you woodn’t mind if’n Ah gave it a good yank, jus to test for sturdyness.” A few minets went by while Joshua nervously fidgeted with his glasses and mustash, but finally he stopped an said,
“Alright, fine Ah’ll show ya what’s down there, but first yoo gotta promise me that yoo won’t tell anybody about it.”
“Well, alright,” said Jake, “but won’t it be sort a odd not talkin about it with Mike or yourself when yoo awl have both seen it?” We awl disregarded Jakes comment and decended one by one throo tha trap door.
Now, wun thing bout Cusin Joshua is that everybody in tha famly figgered that he was the tipe a upstandin gentlman that woodn’t do anythin contrary ta tha law like me or Jake. A course that’s why when Joshua turned on tha lights in tha cellar we were all shocked ta see tha largest moonshine setup any of us had ever seen. The shocked silence was finally broken by Cusin Joshua who said,
“Yoo promise not ta tell anyone rite? If word got out, Ah do declare, Ah wood be ruined!”
“Now,” replied Jake excitedly, “Ah never figgered yoo had it in ya ta break tha law, now Ah know that yore really a cusin a mine, don’t worry, we wont tell a soul!”
So, we got ta talkin an reminiscin, and then, eventually ta drinkin, because, as Joshua says,
“A story ain’t worth a cats meow without a little somthin in your hand ta sip”
Now a course, as we started ta drinkin, Rebel Eugine interrupted with her normal spunky attitude an said,
“Is yoo guys gonna sit there a drinkin an a carryin on havin a good time withowt even offerin me anythin ta drink?”
“No,” Ah replied, “we’ll get ya something ta drink, Joshua, you got any milk?”
Ah cood rite down what little Rebel Eugine said, but Ah wont for fear a little childres readin this story, needless ta say, tha argument went on for some time, but after a little while, Rebel Eugine being thoroughly pissed, left.
Now, this is where tha story gets a little hit an miss, Ah admit Ah did have some moonshine, as did Jacob an Joshua, but we didn’t have all that much, which is surprising, konsiderin what happened after that. Jake an Ah we drunker than a coon in a wine cellar after a few sips, Joshua was slightly less affected on account a bien used ta tha stuff, but he was still tipsy. After a little while though, we was gettin a little hungry, Jake desided that he had a hankerin for pretzels, Joshua an Ah thot that pretzels sounded pretty good too, so we went ta find some. After a little searchin, we stumbled (literally) into a small pretzel shop on the edge a town. We all went in an ate a round a pretzels, and dag gonnit if they weren’t the best darn pretzels we ever tasted, so we ordered another round. Before we ate them though, we were feelin a little parched on account a the saltiness, so we desided that we would go over to tha saloon across tha street because nothin goes better with a big ole soft pretzel than a big ole mug a beer. So we stumbled across tha street with ar pretzels in hand over ta tha saloon. Gettin throo tha door was a little hit an miss, at first we tried ta go throo the window, but finally we got in.
Five broken mugs, four overturned tables, and fifteen angry men later, we were sittin at tha bar and about ta order ar first round when a man interrupted and said,
“Boys, Ah think yoo’ve had enuff ta drink already.”
“Who are yoo?” Ah asked.
“Well,” He said gruffly, “Ah’m tha sheriff in these parts, an Ah think yoo boys better git on home before Ah have ta take yoo back ta tha jailhouse with me.”
On hearin this, Joshua started ta slinkin off all kwiet like but, Jake an Ah, bein a little more effected with tha moonshine kept on a talkin ta tha sheriff.
“But sheriff,” Ah said, “how can we go home, we don’t live near these parts.”
“Now, don’t get smart with me, if ya don’t live round here do ya have any relatives that live here?” Aked tha sheriff, ta which Jake replied,
“Well, a corse we got relatives round here, why else wood we be here? Were here visitin ar cusin, ar cusin, what was his name again?”
“Ah think,” Ah ansered dizzily, “that his name was, Ah think that Ah can’t remember his name, but it starts with a ‘J’ or, a ‘Q’ Ah think.”
“Ah think it’s Quincy, wait no, Josiah, or was it Allen?”
“Wait, Ah remember, its Joshua!” Ah exclaimed.
“Yeah, good ole Josh! Here’s ta him!” Shouted Jake, an with that, we turned round an commenced a chuggin down ar beers. A corse, we plum forgot bout tha sheriff even tough he was a standin right there behind us. An once again, tha sheriff interrupted in a less gruff then before an said,
“Well, Ah’ll be, Joshua, tha owner a tha General Store is your cusin? Ah imagine that yoor purdy reasonable when yoor not drunk since yoor some a Joshua’s cusins, but yoo’ve already had too much ta drink, so if yoo’l cooperate with me Ah’ll take ya o’er ta tha store.”
“Now yoo lisen here sunny,” said Jake, “we haven’t had too much ta drink, why we only had but one cup a tha moonshine.”
“Moonshine!” yelled the sheriff, “who did ya get that from?” Now Ah was pretty intoxicated, an Ah don’t remember saying this, but apparently, Ah said,
“Now, what kin a darn stoopid kwestion is that, we got it from ar Cusin Joshua a corse.”
“Joshua, tha moonshiner?” exclaimed tha sheriff surprisedly, “why, we’ve bin lookin all over for tha moonshiner, Ah never thot it wood be Joshua! Ah’ll have ta go and...” But before he cood finish his sentence, a chair slammed over his head an he fell ta tha ground unconshus.
The next thing we new, we saw Joshua standin over tha sheriff with tha back of a broken chair in his hand an sayin,
“We need ta get back ta tha General Store an get ready.”
“Ready for what?” Jake asked.
“Why, Ah say, for tha trouble that yoor big mouths got us into, now, come on.” So, with that we all ran on over tha General Store an began ta barricade all tha doors an windows cause Joshua said that when that sheriff wakes up he’ll come over with a posse an try ta arrest them. Sure enuff, that’s what he did, just as we were finishin with tha barricades, he an his posse surrounded the store.
“Ah declare, here comes trouble boys,” said Joshua as he handed us a couple a riles, “load these up an when Ah give tha signal, commence a firein.” So, while we did that, Joshua talked Ta tha sheriff and his posse.
“Now lisen here Joshua, if yoo come out now an surrender, nobody’ll get hurt.”
“Ah say, Ah say,” replied Joshua in defiance, “this weather sure is strange, it almost seems like there’s someone tryin ta talk ta me, but its only the wind.”
“Actually that’s not tha wind, its tha sheriff talkin.” Said Jake, as Joshua only sied an rolled his eyes an yelled ta tha sheriff sayin,
“Enuff talk, Mike, Jake, lets make ‘em earn their pay.” Upon sayin this, Joshua commenced ta open fire on tha sheriff an his posse. Jake an Ah tried ta open fire also, but, as a consekwence a ar intoxicashun, we mistakenly loaded tha rifles with rabbit-food pellets instead a bullets, which woodn’t do much damage even if they fired out a tha barrel.
An odd thing happened though; it was a warm day, especially for bein a fall day. A corse, in Kentucky in tha fall time, it can go from below freezing one day to eighty-five degrees tha next. That’s exactly what had happened that day. It went from a cool forty-five degrees that mornin to a scorchin ninety. The sheriff and his posse weren’t dressed, of corse, for warm weather, so they eventually became very hot. And, Ah did likewise, Ah also became very thirsty, so Ah asked Joshua,
“Joshua, it’s a scorcher out here, is there anything ta drink.” To which he replied,
“Ah declare, Ah think you’ve had enuff ta drink, but if yoo have to, there’s some milk in tha icebox.” Now as Ah was headin ta tha icebox, Ah had a sudden urge ta eat a piece a cake so Ah looked round in tha pantries an such, but sadly Ah didn’t find any. Throo tha corse a my rummaging, Ah did manage ta find a jar a cookies, but Ah just coodn’t seem ta get tha lid off so Ah walked back inta tha other room where Josh was and asked him,
“Josh, Ah can’t seem ta git tha darn lid off a this jar, cood ya help me out?”
Josh turned around upon hearin me say this an stared at me silently with a look on his face like a deer caught in tha headlites as bullets continued a flyin all around us. By chance one a tha stray bullets hit tha cookie jar an broke it ta smithereens with all tha cookies spillin out on ta tha floor.
“Thanks!” Ah said as Ah picked up a couple a cookies an headed back in ta tha kitchen while Josh went back ta shootin at tha sherrif. Ah finally got back ta tha icebox an was about ta git some milk Ah saw that someone had already drunk it an Ah suddenly remembered about Rebel Eugine. Bullets were flying all over tha place an Ah called out ta Jake who had fallen inta a barrel a pickles by accident an said,
“Jake, we gotta find ta where Rebel Eugine has gotten off ta!” So we went a runnin an hollerin all round tha store lookin for Rebel Eugine all tha while bullets were flyin by ar heads. Somehow amidst all this, Ah heard someone a walkin on tha back porch a tha store an Ah yelled over at Jake sayin,
“Jake, theres somebody out on tha back porch, poke yoor head out an see if it’s Rebel Eugine.” Jake stuck his head out tha door but didn’t see anyone an said,
“Ah don’t see anything! Yoo must be hearin things.” As he was sayin this one a tha deputies from tha sheriff’s posse stepped inta tha door behind Jake with a baseball bat an was bout ready ta whack Jake a good one when Ah yelled over an told him ta lookout behind him. Ignorein me, he slammed tha door behind hin which whacked tha deputy skware in tha face an nocked him unconshus an then said,
“Ah already looked owt tha door, an there ain’t nobody there, an Ah ain’t gonna fall for tha one agen, tha last time yoo did that ta me yoo gave me a wedgie.” When he turned around, he saw tha unconshus man layin on tha ground an said rather sheepishly,
“Oh.” So we took tha man an tied him up an put a gag in his mouth an just when we had finished with that, we had noticed tha all tha guns had stopped firein. In fact, there was singing, Ah think that they were singin Jailhouse Rock in fact (Ah coodn’t kwite tell, it was pretty slured.), so Jake an Joshua an Ah went out ta see what was goin on. We were all surprised ta see that all tha posse an even tha sheriff were drunk, and there with them was Rebel Eugine passin a jug a moonshine around ta all tha men.
“Well,” she said “where have yoo too bin?”
“We’ve bin inside the hole time, what happened here?”
“Well, Ah found a tunnel that went from tha cellar over there ta tha store over here, an when Ah herd all tha kommoshun Ah came over here. That’s wen Ah lerned that you were traped in there. Ah figgered that Ah needed ta do somethin, so when Ah herd tha men complainin about bein thirsty, Ah went throo tha tunnel and got a cupple jugs a moonshine an brought ‘em out here.” And while we were talking ta Rebel Eugine, Joshua was talkin ta tha sheriff,
“Well,” Said tha sheriff, “Ah hope we can put this all behind us, ya know, yoo really make some fine moonshine.”
“Ah think that we can find some way ta forget this, ah really hated pullin that chair out on ya.”
“Aw, don’t think anything of it, water under tha bridge.”
So, everything worked out, Joshua and tha sheriff became good friends, we were outta trouble and Rebel Eugine had tha satisfaction a knowin that she saved all a ar butts. So, since everyone was just standin around, ah said,
“Well, what are we gonna do now?” To which Rebel Eugine replied,
“Ah think we all need ta go get a drink.” We all laughed and headed over ta tha nearest bar an drank an ate arselves silly.
Tha End
This story is a part of the Cusin' Ballads series.
http://www.alternative-internet.com/serials.html#cusinballads
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