A short note from the editor:
Dear readers of Barg, fans of Quezon, morons, and so forth... We, that is, Quezon and I, are proud to present you with the winner of our Barg story contest.
Please give a big hand to Miss Emily Alexander, with her story Barg the Mailman, the first Barg not written by Christopher (Quezon) Simmons.
We hope you all enjoy it, as we did. So without further ado, Barg the Mailman...
-Patrick J. Simmons

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Barg the Mailman
By Emily Alexander

Barg was once a mailman for a while.
Well, not that long, really, only a day, but it was okay while it lasted.
Anyway it was kind of like this.
Barg got his bag of mail from the post master and began to walk down the street of the sleepy little town he was supposed to be delivering mail in.
Barg knocked on the door of this blue house. It opened, and there stood a man.
He said, "I'm Geeg, what do you want?"
"I'm Barg," said Barg. "What do you want?"
"Huh," said Geeg.
"When I deliver the mail, you're not supposed be out here. You're supposed to hide inside until I put it in your box." Barg thought a minute.
Then he said, "But, hey, man, maybe it'll be more fun with you watching because you can tell me all about your mail.
It's awful to look at all the mail people get and not know why they're getting it or who it's from..."
Barg began to look through his mailbag. "Yay! Pepper spray!" he said. "Do you have a dog?"
"Do I look like it?," said Geeg, highly offended.
"Well, no," Barg admitted. "But I kind of wished your looks were deceiving. I haven't met any dogs yet."
Geeg looked confused.
"Oh, here's a bill for you," said Barg. "Too bad you don't live closer to the ocean, ya know."
Geeg sighed.
Barg rooted through his bag. "Oh,  here, this is for you, too. It's a dave. I don't get those as much as I get bills and toms."
Geeg scratched his head. "Listen, umm, I, like... have this dentist appointment, like, gotta run, see you tomorrow thanks for the mail bye." He slammed the door.
A minute later he opened it and grabbed his mail from Barg's hand, and slammed it again.
Feeling slightly demented, Barg began walking along the sidewalk to the house next door to Geeg's.
It was pink. This really dingy blonde answered the door. She said:
"Oh, aren't you sweet to want to hand my mail right to me! Teeheee. You're so cuuuute. What's your name, sweetie pie?"
"Ummmm....Barg"
"Oooooh. Teeheehee. I'm Tee. Kin I have my mail? Oh, sweet, the grass on my lawn is green. Isn't that cool?"
"Yeah, umm, here's, HEY! You got a tom today. I've wanted a tom for so long! You're so lucky. Here's a Kroger ad, too. I love Krogers.''
Barg looked up, and, whattayaknow, the blonde named Tee was gone.
All Barg could hear was a few faint giggles from the depths of her house.
He put the mail in her mailbox, pulled her door shut, and went to the next house.
Those people weren't home. Barg didn't give them any of their mail.
At the next house the door was answer by this little girl who threw ten kinds of temper tantrums because her mom's mail had gregs and toms in it, two of each, actually,
which though it surprised Barg, who had never got more than one of each a day, really upset this little girl.
She threw herself on the ground and screamed. Barg got bored and left.
At the next house, no one answered the door. Barg searched through his bag for their mail, and they had a bill, and then, wonder of wonders,
"Hey!" Barg yelled, he was so excited. "These people got a cedric today! I've ALWAYS wanted a cedric! Oh my gosh! Look! Look!"
He jumped up and down and waved the cedric in the air.
Then suddenly all these people ran out of their houses and started trying to grab the cedric, which by the way was addressed to Quezon, who lived in that house, by the way.
More and more people came and they piled all over poor Barg and he was kind of having a hard time going for his pepper spray.
(He decided people were next best since he hadn't met any dogs.)
Then this one girl came with a machine gun and gunned everyone down except Barg.
He was really relieved until she came up and took the cedric right out of Barg's hand and flew away with it.

Barg went back to the post office and handed the post master his mailbag. "I quit," he said.

THE END.

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