Note: This is a Russian Roulette Barg, which is a mix of Alien invaders and Uncle Sam.
Barg was on his way to visit his Grandma he doesn't have when he noticed something in his paper. The man who directed all the Harry Pothead movies died unexpectedly, and the rights to make the movie would go to the next man who asked for them. Curiously enough, Barg had no intentions of signing up. But he had intentions of signing Barg up.
Joe was an evil little monkey, he knew if Barg directed the movie, Barg would have power, and if Barg had power, he would be one step closer to a pent house somewhere in the vicinity of Florida. So Joe got his handy-dandy I-just-grabbed-this-pen-from some-nerd-when-he-wasn't-looking pen and wrote Barg’s name and number on the poster and walked off.
This obviously was a stupid idea, knowing that any idiot who walked by could get Barg’s number and sell it to people... sales people. But that really didn't bother Joe, as long as it meant he was getting a pent house. Besides, his phone number would change anyway.
Four weeks later Barg got yet another phone call, this time luckily enough it wasn't a sales call, it was J.K. Bowling-alley, she told Barg she really didn't care what he did with the movie, as long as it sold big. So confused, he got a camera and headed out to start filming.
Barg figured he could switch out all the characters as long as Harry didn't change, somewhat because people would hate him, but mostly because Harry had a contract. So Barg called him up and the both met at the studios to start filming.
He arrived around 10:30, and met Harry.
"Hey, were all the other actors?" he asked as he looked around "Did I show up late?"
"You wish. I fired them all, let's go find some more."
"Fired? But no one will want to see it now."
"What's your name?"
"I'm Mizor."
"Mizor, no one will care, just have you say something and all the girls will freak, trust me."
Mizor had no trust for Barg, but he had a contract, so whatever. "Were you holding the auditions?"
"Wherever I can get a good beer."
"Can't deny that logic."
Barg and Mizor walked the streets until Barg finally came upon a place that seemed good enough. They slowly walked inside and ordered three pints each. At lunch time? Anyway, they both drank up to make sure they weren't too sober during the casting.
"Shouldn't we umm... start?"
"No, we have to be more secret than that. First eat six or seven mints, and then gargle soap water, the pretend to have a heart attack."
"I don't know. It seems kind of stupid to me."
"You're right!"
Barg stood up and looked around the room. There seemed to be enough people to replace all his actors, especially the one sitting in the corner. Yeah, he looked really evil. Barg looked at his watch; dinner was at seven, so he only had five hours to film the movie. He needed fast learners too.
"Alright!" he said at the top of his lungs. The bartender walked over before he could finish.
"Umm, dude, sit down and shut up, before you scare away all my costumers."
The man was Cody Harper; he owned the small little bar. Cody was tall skinny and only had one ear. He was seven when he lost it. His dad worked at a train station and one day when Cody was helping him lift some very heavy expensive metal, a train came by and ran over a penny, of course this was back when pennies exploded if you looked at them too long. When the train hit the penny, it burst and a piece of shrapnel knocked his ear clean off. Not to mention his two front teeth.
He was in the hospital for several days when he had a dream, in his dream he saw the Lord, and the Lord said to him, "Cody, by a bar, it is your destiny." When Cody woke up he hopped out of his bed and started earning money so one day he could buy that bar. And finally when he was 25 years old, he did it. And now he was talking to Barg, in his Bar.
"Hey, I bet you would like to act in Harry Pothead."
"No, please leave."
Unfortunately enough for Cody, this didn't fly well with Barg and so he dosed Cody up with some sleeping pills and watched him drop to the floor.
"Now, does anyone want to act in Harry Pothead?"
"Pot?!" said the Man in the corner, he immediately walked over and grabbed Barg’s hand. "Hey, I'm the
Puppet master, totally."
"Cool, go sit over there and wait for further instructions."
A group of people came over in suits and started talking to him.
"Hello, I'm Blenderkid, and this is Big M., and this is Ohtar Erchamion, we do tech-stuff, you know, lights, smoke."
"Cool, go over there with the weird guy." he said,
"Hey Barg," said Mizor, I'm going to go back to the studio and get set up."
"Alright."
"Ok," Barg said, "name?"
"Lissa,"
"Cool, you can be the female lead, just stand around and look pretty, no one really cares if you do anything else."
"Oh, ok."
"Hey," said the next group, "this is Thomas Daily, and Swordskilled, and I'm Punk English, were a rock band.
Need music?"
"Yeah, opera's old now."
Barg had everyone he needed, three lead roles, music, and lights. So he got them all together and showed them the way to the studio. Mizor was waiting there for them setting up. So the tech guys set up lights and stuff, with help from Lissa, Puppetmaster and Mizor, and the band did a montage of it all. After which they got in their places for the first seen.
"Alright, Harry, fling your wand around and I'll take care of the fire."
"Ok,"
"Action!"
"FireandemBrimstone!" Mizor yelled at the top of his lungs. Barg pulled the pin out of the grenade he had and threw it on stage. Everyone stared at it as it exploded and lit the stage on fire.
"Barg you idiot!" screamed Lissa. Puppetmaster looked down in the hole it made.
"Barg, you kind of lit the stage on fire with that." Big M. pulled the fire alarm and turned the sprinklers on. The band started to leave but Barg tranquilized them all.
"QUIET!" he yelled "everyone stay here, we're going to finish this movie." The Grant came in with his fire hose and sprayed down the stage until the fire was out.
"Good, water effects, you stay here." said Barg, then Barg heard a megaphone.
"This is the police" said Loopbot, "That was an illegal grenade set off."
"Great," he closed and locked all the doors. "We're still getting this filming done. Now you're all hostages too."
"Do we get paid extra for that?" asked Puppetmaster.
Then a very unhappy Jess came down and looked at the mess. "Barg, you almost burnt down my auditorium!"
"It was their idea! Anyway you're a hostage too now."
"I am not! Now clean up you mess!"
"Enough, everyone quiet down or I'll shoot you all. Now, back to filming."
Then more sirens came, Barg got about half an hour of filming done before the army showed up. He grabbed Jess, as she was the closest and held a gun up to her head. He walked up the stair and peaked out a window. Standing there was the army general MrX. He walked up to the building and heaved a big sigh.
"Barg, we don't want any trouble, just let out the hostages and we'll drop the charges."
"No way! I have to finish this movie."
"Please, Barg, if you don't we'll be forced to kill you."
"It happens." he said as he closed the window. They continued filming, but only got about another fifteen minutes before more threats.
This time it was a few FBI agents looking very not amused by all the mess. All the paperwork needed to be filled out for this, so unlike Mrx., they were not going to negotiate. Among them were the top agents, Maria, and bottomofthebarrel.
"Barg!" said one "we're going to shoot you, please hold still."
"Yeah right!" the other one took the megaphone.
"Hey!"
"Well, you're doing it wrong!"
"Am not!"
"Mom hugger!"
Soon they were fighting with each other while Barg filmed another two minutes of the movie.
Meanwhile!
Cake87, a bomb expert, came to the scene; she met up with Quezon, the Architect, who built the building.
"Ok," she said. "Where is the best outdoor place to set up the bombs?" Quezon pulled out the blueprints.
"Well, the supports here were going to get repaired today, because they're rotting, so if you planted two charges here and here, the whole building would collapse.
"You can't do that!" said a negotiator Khalil. "God wants us to forgive our enemies, even if they don't deserve it."
"Listen you little bug, all the doors are locked off, were going to blow this sucker to bits!"
Then MrX. came up to them, "There are hostages in there you morons!" he was followed up by Cody Harper who came to see what was going on.
"Not to mention paying customers!" he yelled.
"Or," said the Oneman_Ragman, "you could use the back door."
"I didn't authorize a back door." said Quezon, angry.
"Well there is one, and it's not blocked off, dunkoff."
They all argued for a while longer. Mostly it was, no, yes, over and over.
Meanwhile!
"Dude, Barg," said the puppet master, "we can't let them in, we have to finish this movie."
"I know! But the hostages are being a pain!"
"I resent that!" said Grant angry.
"Barg, it's hard to stand around and look pretty with all this ash everywhere, it's getting my clothes dirty.
"Then try harder!" yelled Barg.
"I have an idea." said Jess, "You could turn yourself in and pay to fix my studio."
"No." said Barg quietly.
Meanwhile! Again.
Elijah and a drunken ferret showed up on the seen. "We’re skilled miners," said Elijah, "We could dig a hole under the studio, let out all the prisoners, and do it all before dinner."
"Were could ever fill in the hole when we were done." said the drunkenferret.
"Or," said MrX., "everyone could listen to me! There's no leader here, everyone is running amuck with there own ideas!"
"No need to get angry." said Elijah.
"No need to get angry! Barg is in there with several hostages and is trying to film a movie with them!!!"
"Oh, get angry then" she said.
"Maybe we should get angry too." said the drunkenferret.
"Shut up!" said Elijah, drunkenferet almost started to cry. "No," said Elijah, "I was getting angry, it was a good idea."
"Oh, ok." said the drunkenferret.
MEANWHILE!
Two pilots, Horse Master and Hazel had flown in with helicopters. They tried to convince everyone an aerial attack was the best approach.
"It would be clean and safe." said the Horse Master.
"It would put a huge hole in the roof!" protested Quezon.
"Details, details." said Hazel.
Then off from a rooftop came a strong sounding voice that said.
"Everyone shut up!" it was Hobbis Brabilio! Everyone cheered and laughed. Hobbis was everyone’s favorite stuntman.
"For my next trick!" he yelled, "I will ramp my Hummer into that auditorium!"
"We love you Hobbis!" yelled the crowd, as Hobbis started his car.
He slammed on the pedal and flew off the ramp, at about 60mph. He soured through the air and crash landed in the middle of the set were they were filming.
"Cut!" yelled Barg, "Perfect, were done, I couldn't think of a better ending!"
"Umm, Barg," said a bloody Hobbis, "everyone is trying to kill you, I'd leave."
"I have a better idea." Barg walked out into the crowd and yelled to everyone. "You were all just put in the movie Harry Pothead, so, congrats."
Everyone was too occupied with stardom fantasies to remember Barg almost killed everyone, so Barg snuck out with the film and sent it to the producers.
It was taken out of theaters a week later. But the special effects were nice.
THE END!
This story is a part of The Adventures of Barg Series.
http://www.alternative-internet.com/quezon/barg/
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