One fine day Barg was walking down the street. On a different fine day, Barg was a candy store owner. He got a job for the old man (who, a lot of people thought was dead, and it was really his grandson,) in the candy store by the church. The church, not 'a' church, the church. Simple philosophy states that all small cities in England have only one church. The faith of the people who go to the church is never stated, I mean hey, it's England, why ever state that?
Anyway, Barg sold chocolate, everything in the store cost 1$. Those weren't the actual prices, but Barg figured he'd never have to make pointless cents change if he sold it that way. However he was living in England, so no one had US currency. And so the poor little Charlie Buckets came into the store, with enough money to buy a chocolate bar, but in his own countries money.
"One chocolate bar please." He said as he laid the money down on the table.
"I'm sorry," said Barg, "well, okay, no I'm not. We don't except weird money."
"But it isn't weird; I found it on the ground outside."
"Then it's mine, punk." Barg took the money and stuffed it in his pocket and continued on with his reading of the magazine he was holding.
"But sir, I haven't eaten in days!" he protested.
"Well take some candy then, I don't care, it's not mine."
"Oh thank you sir!"
Barg rolled his eyes and tried to continue to read, unfortunately, more people walked into his store, among them was the lead singer for Modest Mouse.
"Liffes' too sort to play fweebuerd!"
"Your gay!"
"Oh, thwat expwains dat piwate." And so Modest Mouse left, but there were still some Americans with bogus British accents
"Look!" one screamed, "that boy found a golden ticket!"
Barg looked up, Charlie was holding a golden ticket, and immediately, the two people surrounded him.
"I'll give you 5 hundred dollars for that ticket!" one screamed.
"I'll give you one thousand!" screamed the other.
"Shut up!" yelled Barg, "You two leave him alone..." the two Americans looked up at Barg, "five grand kid, what do you say?"
"I'm sorry, I'm to selfish and young to sell it to you." he replied.
"Well then," said Barg, as he pulled out a revolver and shot Charlie in the foot, "guess I'll have to do this the fun way!"
"You shot him!" cried the women.
"Run home now! You little brat," Barg picked up Charlie and pulled him behind the desk. "Here's the deal, I'm going to leave with this kid, and the ticket.
I'm not going to lock up, or guard any of the food here." he puased for a moment. "So, what happened here?"
The man spoke up almost instantly. "You just shot the kid!"
"Now look," said Barg, growing impatient, "You can have all the candy here if you never tell anyone I shot this guy."
"Oh, right."
"Bon-voyage!" yelled Barg, as he ran out the back door.
"Do you think we should call the cops?" asked the man.
"Why would we?" she said, "I don't have time to chat, I've got eating to do."
Barg threw Charlie in the back of his car, and zoomed out of the alley he parked in. "Sir, I'm bleeding, and I think I might die soon."
"What?" cried Barg, "You're gunna ruin the interior!"
"But sir! I'm dying!"
"Stop calling me sir!"
"But sir, then what should I call you."
Barg couldn't give his name away to the kid, so he thought of something equally as interesting. "Just call me daddy!"
"Your not my dad," asked Charlie. Barg wheeled around and opened his eyes as big as he could.
"How do you know?"
"Your scaring me!"
"Your mom's scaring me!"
"What I, no, my mom was out feeding poor people."
"I though you were a poor people!"
"No, my family inherited the Hingle ketchup fortune, we're rich!"
"Good, you can pay to fix the interior of the car your ruining!"
While Barg was arguing and swerving through the streets, Charlie's parents were both very concerned.
"Honey, we're both very concerned." said the Mrs.,
"Oh, I guess we should do something."
"Let's call the police,"
"Good idea!" Mr. Charlie walked over to the phone and picked it up, but that's all he knew how to do.
"Honey, aren't you going to call them?"
"I don't know how to use a phone, remember, we've only been rich for a few days."
"Try hitting all the buttons."
"I'm still trying to get used to my new golden fingers."
Mr. Charlie dropped the phone on the floor.
"Arghh... these hands are impossible!"
"Let's just go play polo."
"No, the golden horses gave me a rash."
"In that case, we'll have to just wait."
"I'm irritated!"
"Why?"
"I don't know, but rich people can afford to be irritated, so I'm going to take advantage of it."
"Me too!"
And so while those two attempted to be rich, Barg drove along a long twisty road leading to the ferry. Barg was screaming horrible things at everyone who drove by them, hoping somehow it would help him blow some steam. He was still very unhappy about the inside of his car.
"Umm... sir, where are you taking me."
"To my humble abode,"
"Are you going to eat me?"
"Of course not!" Barg screamed, "How would I get any ransom from an already eaten child?"
"You’re going to hold me hostage?"
"Not you, just the golden ticket."
"Well then, why don't you just take it?"
Barg opened his mouth to speak, but no words came out. That was... a good idea. So Barg grabbed the ticket and tossed Charlie out the window. So Barg drove on with just the ticket, squeezed between his hand and the stearing wheel. But his hands got sweaty, and the ticket come out from his hand, and flew out a window. Barg stopped the car, to go back and look for it, but before he got out, Tom Hanks climbed in the back seat.
"Ticket please," he said.
"Wrong movie!"
"Oh, right." so Tom hopped out and walked off.
"And cut your hair!" Barg screamed as he climbed out the door.
He ran back to were he lost the ticket. He couldn't see it anywhere... no wait, yeah, there it was. So Barg grabbed it and hopped back into his car, and drove home. Actually, it wasn't his car, it was the cop who pulled over to give Barg a ticket's car. The cop was standing by Barg's car in austonishment.
"Well..." he said. "I still can give him the ticket."
Barg realized he was in the wrong car, which he thought was awesome, so he turned up the toons to see what was playing. Bleh, it was Coldplay. He switched stations, Public Enemy, more like it!
So Barg cruised down the street with Flava' Flav rapping out his speakers, until he finally got to his magic flying boat, which he took all the way back to his home, were Tina was cooking biscuits for Marvin and Joe.
"Back so soon?" asked Tina.
"Yeah,"
"Where’d you get the ticket?"
"A unicorn?"
"Barg, don't lie to me."
"Okay, I stole it from a poor little rich kid."
"Barg how could you!"
"He didn't need it!"
"How do you know?" Tina grabbed his ear and dragged him over to Marven, who flew them back to Charlie.
"Are you Charlie Buckets?" asked Tina.
"Yes Ma'am." He said as Tine tugged Barg's ear.
"Barg has something he wants to give you." she said cheerfully.
"A yeah, the ticket, for my collection!" he said. Tina's shoulders drooped.
"Collection?" she said with a hoarse voice.
"Yeah, I'm gunna get all five!"
"What? I though you were a kind little kid!"
"No, I'm a brute, I don't care about the other four kids."
"Told'ya he was spoiled." said Barg.
And so Tina and Barg rode home on Marvin, and Charlie went back to being a horrible little child. "That's not at all how the book went." protested Tina to Barg.
"Who cares," said Barg, "no one reads anyway."
THE END
This story is a part of The Adventures of Barg Series.
http://www.alternative-internet.com/quezon/barg/
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