“Barg, this only hurts if you think it will hurt.” replied doctor Maliceface.
“Well I’m pretty sure it’s gunna hurt then!”
“Oh calm down. If you do die it’ll probably be quick.”
“How is that supposed to be comforting?” yelled Barg.
“Well, I’ve kidnapped you and tied you to a giant cloning machine, it’s probably a waste of time to try and get on your good side at this point.”
“You are going to jail when I get out of here.”
“Barg, I’ve seen your criminal record, I could use it to wallpaper my whole house, I don’t think you’ll be contacting the police.”
“Tina might…” said Barg snidely. The doctor looked at him confused.
“None the less, PULL THE SWITCH!”
A man sitting in the corner didn’t even look up from his magazine. He reached his left arm out and carefully placed it on a lever. Barg hadn’t even notice the man until now. He was wearing all grey save a red scarf and a dark blue club hat.
“If I pull this switch,” he calmly began, “and that guy dies, that makes me an accessory to murder, doesn’t it?”
“He probably won’t die.” replied the doctor.
“Probably?” cried Barg.
The man in the corner just shook his head and flipped the switch with a sigh.
Immediately the room lit up in a dark blue glow. The doctor cackled madly. Barg thrashed around and tried to escape, but it was far too late. He began to feel a sharp pain down his spine. It felt like something was crawling around in his back. Finally the lights dimmed down and the pain receded. Barg sighed a huge sigh and began breathing heavily. There was a long pause.
“He dead?” asked the man in the corner.
“No, brother, he is not dead.”
“Did it work then?”
“I don’t know.” The doctor ran outside.
“Sorry about him.” said the doctor’s brother. “I’m Jim by the way.”
‘What was he trying to do?” Barg managed to ask; the pain had come back slightly.
“Dunno.” simply stated the man.
Barg heard a loud laugh from the doctor. The laugh grew quieter as the doctor ran away from the building.
“I guess it worked.” sighed Jim.
Just then there was a loud crash on the ceiling above them. Barg could see were the roof was sagging. Jim put his magazine down and stared up at the ceiling. They could hear something moving up there. The roof finally collapsed and a body fell into the room. When it stood up, Barg realized what the doctor had done.
“Ouch.” stated the man.
“Woah…” stated Jim.
“WHAT?” screamed Barg.
The man turned to Barg. In fact, the man was Barg, another Barg.
“Why am I tied up in that machine?” asked the second Barg.
“Just untie me!”
Barg untied Barg and gave him a hug.
“What was that for?” asked the original Barg.
“I know that your favorite cousin died.”
“How’d you know that?”
“Because he was my favorite cousin too!”
Jim went back to reading his magazine.
When Barg and Barg walked outside, they realized it was raining Bargs.
“This is gunna be awesome.” they said simultaneously.
Three hours later, they were all heading to Barg’s little island for biscuits and gravy. When all 432 of them arrived, Tina didn’t appear amused.
“Barg, isn’t one of you enough?”
“It wasn’t our fault!” they all exclaimed.
“I can’t feed all of you. We live in a shack!”
“Look, you just going to have to pick one Barg, and do something else with the rest.”
Tina whispered to their magical flying ship to drop them off at the stadium, and not to let anymore than one back on board. The boat shrugged his sails and flew away with them. Just then Joe walked out and stood next to Tina.
“What do you think we should do with the extras?” she asked. Joe simply pointed two fingers and made a gunshot noise. “Yeah,” said Tina, “maybe we should get ALL of them.” Joe nodded in agreement.
Finally the boat landed and all the Bargs found a seat in the stadium. The original Barg walked to the pedestal and turned the speaker system on.
“Okay, since were all exactly the same, I think it’s only fair that the original Barg be the one to stay.” All the Bargs nodded in agreement. “Okay,” he continued, “that’s me, so…”
“That’s not true!” screamed another Barg. “I’m the original Barg!”
“No, I’m the original Barg!” called out another.
“I am Spartacus!”
“Alright, alright, look, this obviously isn’t going to work.” called Barg from the pedestal.
“It would work if you’d all admit I’m the original Barg!” yelled a Barg.
Everyone started punching each other and screaming about being the real Barg. Barg screamed for them all over the speakers. They all stopped biting and stared up at him.
“I think it’s only fair that we vote for who stays.” Everyone seemed to think is was a satisfactory plan. Barg wrote his vote on a piece of paper, folded it, and dropped it into a hat. He then passed the hat around and everyone dropped their vote in.
When the hat made it back to the pedestal, Barg took it and pulled out the first name.
“The first vote is for..; Barg.” he read. Everyone screamed and cheered.
“The second vote is for… Barg.” he said slightly confused. Everyone cheered and hollered again.
“The third is Barg… there all for Barg!” Everyone stood up and congratulated themselves.
“I won!” they all screamed.
Barg fired a rocket into the air to quite everyone down. The all stared at him.
“Alright, that’s not going to work either.” everyone sighed. They liked winning. “Why don’t we have a contest. Whoever can get more signatures saying they are the real Barg, gets to be the real Barg. All the others will have to find someplace else to live” It made sense. “We’ll meet back here in an hour. Anyone not here in time is disqualified.”
The Bargs didn’t even wait for the signal, they all immediately ran towards the city. Even though they were all Barg, they all had different idea for how to get their signatures.
One Barg threatened to kill anyone who wouldn’t sign. One Barg stood outside a club and insisted everyone had to sign his waver for admittance. One Barg said he was looking for people to star in his next Hollywood film. When they all returned, they were very confident about their scores.
The real Barg was already waiting for them all at the pedestal. They all handed him they’re scores and took a seat. Every paper had the seat number corresponding the that Bargs seat. Barg took them all and put them into a computer he had bought while he was out.
“Before we read the winner, what happens to the losers?” asked a Barg from the crowd.
“I talked to a theme park owner while I was getting his signature. He said he’d be willing to hire all the losing Bargs to work in his park. He’d even be able to provide housing for us all.” yelled a Barg from the crowd. All the Bargs felt better knowing at least there was a plan b.
“Okay,” said Barg, “I’m going to read the winner.” All the Bargs sat on the end of their seats.
“And…” called Barg, “the winner is…” he said in a quite voice. Then he pulled a large red button out from his vest. All the Bargs opened their eyes wide.
When Barg pushed the button, there was a very loud bang, and the ground under all of the Bargs exploded, sending them all flying into the air. There was a massive fireball, followed by a mushroom cloud. The real Barg sat down behind his pedestal. Just the Marvin the dragon flew through the smoke and landed next to him.
“I got your call.” he said calmly. “Wow, I thought you were joking.”
“That was the worst thing I’ve ever had to do.” said Barg sadly. When the smoke cleared there was no trace of anything but a black, broken up ground.
“It’s for the best I suppose.”
“Yes, I just wish it didn’t have to be this way.”
“Didn’t someone offer them a job or something? I thought I heard that.”
“You did but…” Barg looked at the scorched earth. “I think one is plenty.”
The End
Epilogue: The doctor was walking towards Barg to apologize for cloning him the other day, when he was hit by a piece of flying earth and killed instantly.
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This was posted on Wednesday August 4, 2010.